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zahryn...
I'm a bit dissociated from my emotions at the moment, it's deliberate, I'm 'watching' myself from outside of my emotions seeing how the various manifestations of my hormonal and stress symptoms are affecting me. I only get to do this every couple of months or so, I don't have it very often, so I like having the chance to watch myself and study what happens.
Note: "When I'm like this" refers to me in my current state of hormonal spaziocity. "Normally" refers to me at all other times.
Being off work and with nothing to really distract me, I have finally had the chance to get a handle on what's going on and how it affects my normally sunny disposition.
#1: The biggest thing is the paranoia and second-guessing. I get really concerned about what I say, how it will be taken by others, whether I've made myself clear and then, whether I will get a reply. It's not so bad face-to-face, but since most of my communication is via text/email/phone, a word out of place, or a reaction to something gives me real pause and makes me start second-guessing myself, have I misread the situation? does the other person feel the way I thought they did?
It's made worse by not feeling able to express this, what I want is to ask the question, have I misunderstood? How does the person feel about the situation? I don't ask, because asking feels needy, I feel that I shouldn't need reassurance, I shouldn't need to ask for that from someone else, but that doesn't get past the fact that that's what I really want to do. If the other person offers reassurance without me having to ask, it really lifts the weight from my shoulders and all the previous bad is undone, but if I have to ask for it, it just makes the situation worse.
#2: I get very hung up on waiting for replies, if someone takes time to get back to me it can send me into a paranoia tail-spin, I will sit and obsessively check my phone, my email, my comments whatever, until I get something back which reinforces that the other person is fine with what I've said. I'm not to the point where I will continually pester for a response, but I will sit and actively wait. If I know there's a reason the person can't get back to me right away (like they're at work for instance) then it's not a problem.
The response thing is related to the next point, the communication. If I feel that my communication isn't right, then until I hear back from the other person I can imagine them being annoyed with me, upset by me etc. When I get the response, something that confirms the 'validity' of what I've said, then all is well....until I respond again :o)
#3: I can't communicate normally. I become this terribly bizarre person. My usual communication with people is very easy, replies and responses trip easily from me and they convey my meaning clearly without needless flannel. Or perhaps I just think they do. When I'm like this I can't find the words I want, I can't find a way to communicate that doesn't make me sound like an idiot (or at least, I think I sound like an idiot) and I self-censor very strictly, quite often editing responses out of existence, as though what I have to say and the way I'm saying it isn't worthy of the other person. I haven't found a way around this yet.
#4: Normally I am terrible at taking compliments, I am to the point where I can at least thank the person for saying something nice about me. Whether I believe it about myself or not depends on the day, I can often believe that the other person believes it to be true about me, but at the same time, if they are too nice, if they go on being nice I get really uncomfortable, can't cope any more and will start asking them to stop.
When I'm like this, I crave compliments, I could sit and listen to someone say nice things about me all day without feeling a bit uncomfortable, it's funny, almost like a flip of a switch.
#5: I find myself unable to answer the question "How are you?" because the real answer isn't what I feel the other person will want to hear. I know what it's like, from talking to my mother for so long, asking how she is and getting back a list of all the things that are bad, rather than anything positive, it's wearing and can have a negative effect on the person asking the question. I should clarify, this isn't a one-off thing if someone is really having a bad time then saying they're having a bad time is good, I'm only referring to months or years of someone never having anything good to say about how they are.
Curiously, I only have this situation arise for a few days every couple of months, but during those couple of days, I feel like I'm falling into the category of 'continual whiner' which is unfair to myself.
Normally when people ask me how I am, I respond with something like "brilliant, bordering on the superbly fantastic thank you for asking" because far too many will respond with something "Grey" like "I'm ok" or "alright thanks" which don't really tell you much about how the person is (unless they really are just "ok") but by saying something very positive it's unusual and it usually raises a smile.
I've been living with pain full time for over 2 years now, and so it's all relative, normally, as long as nothing particularly bad has happened I can answer positively without a qualm, because the pain side of things is 'normal' so if there's nothing else wrong I don't want to say "my head still hurts" or focus on something negative that the asker can't do anything about.
When I'm like this, the question of how I'm feeling completely stumps me, similarly with questions about what I would prefer, if someone asks me to make a choice, or express a preference I will find myself unable to do so, and if I'm pressed, it causes me real anxiety.
I think that's most of the major points covered, my observations so far are that I can rationally understand what's going on in my head, I just can't do anything about it. Regardless of what I tell myself I still have these feelings, I don't have a clue if other people have them or not, I haven't had 'normal' hormones at any point in my life so it's all about learning what I'm like as an individual from outside myself.
Now I need a coffee.
I'm a bit dissociated from my emotions at the moment, it's deliberate, I'm 'watching' myself from outside of my emotions seeing how the various manifestations of my hormonal and stress symptoms are affecting me. I only get to do this every couple of months or so, I don't have it very often, so I like having the chance to watch myself and study what happens.
Note: "When I'm like this" refers to me in my current state of hormonal spaziocity. "Normally" refers to me at all other times.
Being off work and with nothing to really distract me, I have finally had the chance to get a handle on what's going on and how it affects my normally sunny disposition.
#1: The biggest thing is the paranoia and second-guessing. I get really concerned about what I say, how it will be taken by others, whether I've made myself clear and then, whether I will get a reply. It's not so bad face-to-face, but since most of my communication is via text/email/phone, a word out of place, or a reaction to something gives me real pause and makes me start second-guessing myself, have I misread the situation? does the other person feel the way I thought they did?
It's made worse by not feeling able to express this, what I want is to ask the question, have I misunderstood? How does the person feel about the situation? I don't ask, because asking feels needy, I feel that I shouldn't need reassurance, I shouldn't need to ask for that from someone else, but that doesn't get past the fact that that's what I really want to do. If the other person offers reassurance without me having to ask, it really lifts the weight from my shoulders and all the previous bad is undone, but if I have to ask for it, it just makes the situation worse.
#2: I get very hung up on waiting for replies, if someone takes time to get back to me it can send me into a paranoia tail-spin, I will sit and obsessively check my phone, my email, my comments whatever, until I get something back which reinforces that the other person is fine with what I've said. I'm not to the point where I will continually pester for a response, but I will sit and actively wait. If I know there's a reason the person can't get back to me right away (like they're at work for instance) then it's not a problem.
The response thing is related to the next point, the communication. If I feel that my communication isn't right, then until I hear back from the other person I can imagine them being annoyed with me, upset by me etc. When I get the response, something that confirms the 'validity' of what I've said, then all is well....until I respond again :o)
#3: I can't communicate normally. I become this terribly bizarre person. My usual communication with people is very easy, replies and responses trip easily from me and they convey my meaning clearly without needless flannel. Or perhaps I just think they do. When I'm like this I can't find the words I want, I can't find a way to communicate that doesn't make me sound like an idiot (or at least, I think I sound like an idiot) and I self-censor very strictly, quite often editing responses out of existence, as though what I have to say and the way I'm saying it isn't worthy of the other person. I haven't found a way around this yet.
#4: Normally I am terrible at taking compliments, I am to the point where I can at least thank the person for saying something nice about me. Whether I believe it about myself or not depends on the day, I can often believe that the other person believes it to be true about me, but at the same time, if they are too nice, if they go on being nice I get really uncomfortable, can't cope any more and will start asking them to stop.
When I'm like this, I crave compliments, I could sit and listen to someone say nice things about me all day without feeling a bit uncomfortable, it's funny, almost like a flip of a switch.
#5: I find myself unable to answer the question "How are you?" because the real answer isn't what I feel the other person will want to hear. I know what it's like, from talking to my mother for so long, asking how she is and getting back a list of all the things that are bad, rather than anything positive, it's wearing and can have a negative effect on the person asking the question. I should clarify, this isn't a one-off thing if someone is really having a bad time then saying they're having a bad time is good, I'm only referring to months or years of someone never having anything good to say about how they are.
Curiously, I only have this situation arise for a few days every couple of months, but during those couple of days, I feel like I'm falling into the category of 'continual whiner' which is unfair to myself.
Normally when people ask me how I am, I respond with something like "brilliant, bordering on the superbly fantastic thank you for asking" because far too many will respond with something "Grey" like "I'm ok" or "alright thanks" which don't really tell you much about how the person is (unless they really are just "ok") but by saying something very positive it's unusual and it usually raises a smile.
I've been living with pain full time for over 2 years now, and so it's all relative, normally, as long as nothing particularly bad has happened I can answer positively without a qualm, because the pain side of things is 'normal' so if there's nothing else wrong I don't want to say "my head still hurts" or focus on something negative that the asker can't do anything about.
When I'm like this, the question of how I'm feeling completely stumps me, similarly with questions about what I would prefer, if someone asks me to make a choice, or express a preference I will find myself unable to do so, and if I'm pressed, it causes me real anxiety.
I think that's most of the major points covered, my observations so far are that I can rationally understand what's going on in my head, I just can't do anything about it. Regardless of what I tell myself I still have these feelings, I don't have a clue if other people have them or not, I haven't had 'normal' hormones at any point in my life so it's all about learning what I'm like as an individual from outside myself.
Now I need a coffee.
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no subject
Date: 2008-01-17 12:58 pm (UTC)*gives you walnut whip to go with coffee*
no subject
Date: 2008-01-17 01:02 pm (UTC)Goes very well with coffee, thanks :o)
no subject
Date: 2008-01-17 01:16 pm (UTC)hmm they do and are my favourites*
no subject
Date: 2008-01-17 01:23 pm (UTC)I went through a walnut whip phase not too long ago, although I have now succumbed to the cadburys creme egg-ness of the current season :o)
no subject
Date: 2008-01-17 01:35 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-01-17 01:16 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-01-17 01:19 pm (UTC)*big, bear hugs*
no subject
Date: 2008-01-17 01:51 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-01-17 02:03 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-01-17 03:11 pm (UTC)Not usually, but I make special exceptions in some cases ;-)
no subject
Date: 2008-01-17 05:01 pm (UTC)Honestly, you steal Green & Blacks chocolate from me when I'm locked in the bathroom, steal Pringles from me just about anywhere, now you are nicking my comfort food twixt cup and lip?..
I'm really glad you're a friend. ;oP
no subject
Date: 2008-01-17 03:19 pm (UTC)*tries to catch mind before it drops down into gutter with other meaning of come*
*fumbles catch*
*giggles madly*
*runs away and hides blushing furiously*
no subject
Date: 2008-01-17 05:02 pm (UTC)I think you dropped this... *hands you back your filthy mind, trying to wipe off some of the specks*
no subject
Date: 2008-01-17 07:07 pm (UTC)Heh, thankyou... *inserts in correct location*
no subject
Date: 2008-01-17 07:46 pm (UTC)*looks innocent and blushes furiously*
no subject
Date: 2008-01-17 11:04 pm (UTC)