zahryn: (Default)
I got another email from Charlie today, and have set up message rules to forward all emails from him back to his email address. Blocking, deleting and ignoring doesn't seem to be enough, he's persistant (which oddly I used to like) but if they come full circle unopened and with no response.....

Anyway, I have written a reply to him which I am not sending, I wrote it for my own benefit and have locked it away in here so I can refer back to it if I ever need to. I still find the whole process quite draining, but being able to put things into type and get them out of my whirling head is a good thing.

Therapy today was wierd, we spent a lot of it talking about Charlie and this thing I have for relationships at the moment. Katie said something I hadn't thought of today, part of the control things that I can't exhibit in my "normal" way while I'm living at home are manifesting themselves anyway in the way I am trying to sort all my relationships (of all kinds) into little boxes, define them and the nature of them and exert control over them by forcing them into a shape I can understand/comprehend. I'm paraphrasing, but I never thought of that, it stands to reason that if they can't come out the usual way, they will find other ways to express themselves.

I have started thinking of myself as seperate to my "ways" instead of them being an integral part of me, they are apart from me (or rather, I am apart from them) and they are things I do, rather than things I am. I have to make a note of this (although it seems disjointed) because I couldn't express it today and I want to take it with me next time.

We talked a lot about relationships that I have and I qualified some of things I said that she didn't understand, like different levels of love and the people on each of those levels, also the people that I loathe who will never know how I feel about them. We talked about the 'acquaintance' type people in the middle and then covered some of my relationship specifications, discussed them in some detail and I got very wordy. It's not enough to just say "I want to have this or that" I have to qualify and quantify before I'm happy with expressing my wants and needs. Katie asked a lot of questions about the things I said and we played a game where she asked me my opinion on something, or asked me to describe people in my life in just one sentance. No qualifiers or long-windedness, I had to sum it up in one sentance (one breath) and then she would elaborate her understanding.

It was quite interesting because I am no good at that, trying to describe what I think of as complex things in a short, clipped way. Felt very wrong, but I started getting good at it, leaving out masses but still being able to have her understand what I meant. After that she honed in on some of the people I'd described, and made me do it again, but this time just summing them up in one word. I got quite a lot of time to think of the "right" word which is good, but it still felt like doing that person a great injustice, bringing everything they are and everything they are to me down to just one word.

Lots to think about because next time we're going on to family relationships, mother, father, sister, grandparents and I am supposed to be doing the same thing with them, describing them in one sentance and then one word. That'll be difficult.
zahryn: (Default)
...Much worthy of blogging. Why does this stuff always sound like the title of an Enid Blyton book? ("Three have an Excellent Weekend")

Friday evening drive to Maidstone was it's usual irritating and slow self, but I find myself quite liking the drive because, a bit like working through a maze to the site of a ritual in the centre, I find it relaxes and focuses my mind. I work through stuff from the day and my brain adjusts itself to the weekend ahead.

This was a quite important function this weekend, as there was a lot going on. Friday night there was Billy Connolly and Chinese takeaway (very yum and may have restored my faith in chinese takeaway) much laughter, a whole tasty brownie ;) and lots of touchy-feely, cuddly contact which is always fabulous. Sarah was still (and is still) lurgied, beset by the evil snot monster and his minions, but she tapped into the ambience of general nuttiness and was riding my back like a pony....that's another story though :)

Saturday was a bit domesticated, Sarah had to do her penultimate Saturday shift in hell, so Paul and I did washing up and washing, cleaned kitchen floor and cooker and generally had fun. I got to pick Sarah up from work for lunch and she didn't even comment on the absence of indication at roundabouts, which was very good of her I think. It meant that we got to have a nice lunch together, and a bit of respite from the madness of the Library for Sarah. I dropped her back off and then had a shower before I headed to Margate, to Margaret.

Odd things were happening, either I was distracted concentrating on the upcomming working, or I was being actively discouraged from getting there, whatever it was, I lost my brain a few times and ended up in Margate by way of Canterbury, which given my usual innate ability to chaos-navigate my way around with no trouble was quite disturbing, especially given the fact that I was following the signs!!

I did finally arrive an hour late, after Brian over-heated at the side of the road while we were sitting in traffic, a restorative cup of tea and gingerbread man later, Margaret and I went out to the bay. The raw power of the place can't be described, we wandered down the steps in the dark and made our way over to the low tide. The wind was just storming across the beach and the waves were crashing, it was spitting spray and made me feel very in tune with my surroundings.

Margarets words were whipped out onto the waves as she made the seperation request, I could feel the energy and added mine to it, really willing the outcome, there was no discomfort, just a general feeling of emptiness which followed me for a while. I was quite tired by the time we finished, but it was pleasant-tired, I was starving however and stayed to share a bite with Margaret and the lovely Pat. Meeting Pat was fab, she is quiet and she has a great sense of humour, I was made to feel at home by both of them and I am completely in love with their house.

By the time I got going back to Maidstone I was quite refreshed, in awe of the sheer volume of books contained in their house and hungry again. I got home and actually didn't share too much of what had gone on (I just realised), not for any particular reason, I was just processing.

I had a lot of food for thought during the trip home, mostly about the things that we had talked about around wards and shielding, but shortly before I hit civilisation again I put my stereo on, cranked it up and sang at the top of my lungs for the first 6 songs of the album.

Saturday evening/night was a lot of fun, we were watching Kylies "Showgirl" tour on tv and singing, drinking things out of little dark chocolate cups and Sarah licked the centres out of chocolates in a totally filthy and vixen-like manner then rode me like a pony until we collapsed in a giggling heap.....I loved it!! We slept until late Sunday morning. Sunday was ace, very chilled out and relaxed, Paul made pancakes for brekkie, I drowned mine in Maple Syrup and got very sticky, then we got dressed and headed out for some shopping.

Tesco shopping was fun, there was the usual grown-up behaviour, we discussed the place semen has in the '5 a day' theory and we got hardly any funny looks!! got home and Paul got the shopping unpacked while Sarah made drinks and I sidled round the washing up, trying to look as though I wasn't doing any of it. I got sprung before I'd even finished rinsing though so I sat and had tea and very tasty plum cake (can't remember the brand) which was great.

Paul excelled in the kitchen (by letting me do the washing up :)) and then cooked a mouth-watering pork roast with accompanying accompaniments, most of which were demolished. I washed all the pans and rinsed everything else and stacked it semi-neatly, I always feel like I'm wasting the time I have left if I wash up during the evening on Sundays, but that struggles against the desire to leave a clean kitchen behind me. This week, the battle went in favour of not doing the extra washing up. A hard fought victory.

Sarah is currently very carefully knitting holes together with dental floss, which I found quite a captivating spectator sport for a lot of Sunday evening, Sarah got her piping bag out and filled some brandy snaps with cream, I had ice cream with Baileys poured over it and little choccie-toffee-fudge pieces on top, verrry nice!!

I got a stern talking-to by two people who love me about my eating habits, much chagrined, :), I left at midnight with more to think about and a new resolution to try and do the food thing a bit better. I was wide awake all the way back, didn't get stopped by the cops (even for my singing) didn't have any problems with Brian and got to my bed a little after 2am.

This morning I got up and in the shower at 6am, had a piece of marmite toast at 7:30am and left for work at 8am. I had cheese and christmas chutney sandwiches, a pear, a plum and a handful of grapes for lunch and tonight have eaten Sussex soj with peas and baked beans all of which has left me feeling the size of a small barrage balloon :( However, I shall persevere and up-the-ante on the exercise and see what happens.

All in all a very warm, cozy weekend, now I am figuring out storage in a hurry, a van for this weekend for another trip East, this time (hopefully) bringing back a sofa, 2 armchairs and a pouf (but without a hard pink stiffy poking in my back) Today I maintained my 100% level of testing by ace-ing my Mortgage Payment Protection Insurance, and Home Insurance testing. I also organised my job interview and appointment with the NW Branch Manager for Feb, and am now sorting out a deep meaningful mortgage conversation with my Brother.

Tonight I have worked out how my parents can halve the mortgage payments on the place in Spain and how they can save almost £40 on their phone/cable/internet combo, and set-up a spreadsheet for them to keep track of what they are paying on what each month.

I do need my bed though. *hugs

So Much

Jan. 9th, 2007 06:46 pm
zahryn: (Default)
Well, quick purge and then a hot bath with a christmas present Lush bath bomb (from my perceptive sister) called "Cerridwens Cauldron" which smells gorgeous.

Email from Charlie saying that after careful consideration he is going to have to say 'no' to the divorce. It said a number of other choice things about being surprised that I should want to be on my own given my bad self-image, he thinks that I should want to have anyone around me and that he wasn't giving up without a fight. He's on my blocked senders list now.

I'm fairly drained and exhausted, the idea of having to go through a fight just makes me want to cry. I emailed Airpages lawyer in Bozeman, MT with a synopsis of what I wanted and asked for a quote for a standard 'hostile' divorce involving no blame.

I did get in contact with [livejournal.com profile] old_crone who is going to help me with a psychic seperation this weekend, I am very sure that, whether accidentally or on purpose I am under attack, possibly from both mother and son, I don't feel comfortable trying to meditate when I can't get into my safe space and I have no shielding or way to put any up.

In other news, many *rocking hugs and tons of love from me to [livejournal.com profile] nutter4, [livejournal.com profile] preest and anyone else suffering from the terrible lurg-monster which is going around.

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August 2010

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