Big Thoughts
Nov. 10th, 2007 06:52 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
zahrynInspired by an earlier conversation, I am re-thinking some of the big thoughts I've had this week about Love.
It seems like I spend a lot of time thinking about it, and I have an inkling why. When I was called earlier on some things I had said about never having been in love and not being sure I would ever be, I tried to qualify my comments during the conversation, but I'm not at all sure I did a very good job.
Since my last LJ post on the subject, quite a lot has changed, I've loved, and been loved in return, started building something, only to have to have it not work out. I've been broken and got over it, but it has restored my faith somewhat that I may not be a lost cause. I know I love, there are people that I love, some I suspect I will for a very long time, and I know from experience that I love quite quickly. BUT, that doesn't mean that I fall IN love quickly.
I have built up a number of layers to protect myself, and I do find it difficult to open those up and let people get close, it's not impossible by any means but I also have quite a number of things that I know I can't handle again. One of these, the biggest, is people who can't be honest and talk about & act on their feelings. I have spent the whole of my former life being kept on the back-foot, deliberatly kept in the dark regarding how my partners have felt about me. They couldn't just say or show me how they felt, I had to spend the time guessing, and with Jason in particular it was worse, he would go out of his way to make me feel unloved, to make me insecure, played games with my head and used it as some kind of power over me.
I imagine (or at least, I hope) that there aren't many 32 year olds who are still weathering the storms of their first relationship, but I fall into that catagory, old habits die hard. Although my relationship outlook has changed quite considerably in a fairly short space of time, I still hang onto the idea that there may be a 'one' out there for me, the old romantic in me thinks that it's possible and hopes it'll happen, but keeps the barriers up for protection just in case.
When I meet someone new that I like, I value the opportunity to spend more time with them and get to know them better. I firmly believe that it's much easier to get to know someone face-to-face, going out, doings things, sharing experiences, talking, laughing etc etc. If I meet someone that I want to know better, more deeply, it takes a couple of face-to-faces before I can let them get inside. There are relatively few people that I trust right away, but once I do, I am better able to be myself around them.
There is no good time, no easy way to explain my history to new people, so I tend to be quite flippant about things until I know them better, I also know that I can be quite an intense person so I try to be non-commital and a bit stand-offish initially too. Sometimes this works in my favour, sometimes not.
I'm sure (correct me if I'm wrong) that people learn how to 'give off the right signals' much earlier than this, so I feel like I'm at a bit of a disadvantage. I don't want to come off as "looking for the one" because it's not entirely true. If I meet a "one" then great, but I am determined never again to be in a position where I can't be on my own, so whilst exploring relationships and seeing where they go, throwing plenty of time at them and just enjoying the ride, I am also still working on my own personality, so that I know I *can* be by myself if I end up that way.
I meet new people who interest me, that I like, that I'd like to see more of and get to know, I try not to have preconceptions about where things will end up, it kinda spoils the enjoyment of the trip for me, but at the same time, I get to know relatively quickly whether they are the kind of people I can love, and have a chance of being in love with.
Love for me happens when the step over friendship occurs, it's nothing to do with sex, it's to do with feelings. One day I will realise that this is a person I would happily drop everything, and go to, anytime if they needed me. Someone who's happiness is more important to me than anything else, someone that I actively want to spend the rest of my life sharing with them. When that happens (whenever that happens) then I know it's Love (big-L) but it's still not IN Love.
In Love, I'm pretty sure takes time and Love, I've never been In Love because I've never been with anyone long enough for it to develop in the right circumstances. I think In Love comes when you've lived with someone for a bit, seen the best and worst of them and decided that you still want forever with them, and they feel the same. I have lived with people before, I spent 6 months living with Jason before I worked out that he was an asshole. I lived with Charlie for 4 years and I wasn't in love with him, didn't have those fluffy romantic feelings, he treated me terribly and I didn't have the wherewithall to leave.
So, nowadays I am more cautious. I need to see by their actions, and by time together whether the person feels the words they are saying. I think "I Love You" should be used sparingly, never as an apology, never as an excuse. I am looking for Love, I always will be, there's a lot of Love inside me to give, but only time will tell if it happens and how deep the rabbit hole goes.
It seems like I spend a lot of time thinking about it, and I have an inkling why. When I was called earlier on some things I had said about never having been in love and not being sure I would ever be, I tried to qualify my comments during the conversation, but I'm not at all sure I did a very good job.
Since my last LJ post on the subject, quite a lot has changed, I've loved, and been loved in return, started building something, only to have to have it not work out. I've been broken and got over it, but it has restored my faith somewhat that I may not be a lost cause. I know I love, there are people that I love, some I suspect I will for a very long time, and I know from experience that I love quite quickly. BUT, that doesn't mean that I fall IN love quickly.
I have built up a number of layers to protect myself, and I do find it difficult to open those up and let people get close, it's not impossible by any means but I also have quite a number of things that I know I can't handle again. One of these, the biggest, is people who can't be honest and talk about & act on their feelings. I have spent the whole of my former life being kept on the back-foot, deliberatly kept in the dark regarding how my partners have felt about me. They couldn't just say or show me how they felt, I had to spend the time guessing, and with Jason in particular it was worse, he would go out of his way to make me feel unloved, to make me insecure, played games with my head and used it as some kind of power over me.
I imagine (or at least, I hope) that there aren't many 32 year olds who are still weathering the storms of their first relationship, but I fall into that catagory, old habits die hard. Although my relationship outlook has changed quite considerably in a fairly short space of time, I still hang onto the idea that there may be a 'one' out there for me, the old romantic in me thinks that it's possible and hopes it'll happen, but keeps the barriers up for protection just in case.
When I meet someone new that I like, I value the opportunity to spend more time with them and get to know them better. I firmly believe that it's much easier to get to know someone face-to-face, going out, doings things, sharing experiences, talking, laughing etc etc. If I meet someone that I want to know better, more deeply, it takes a couple of face-to-faces before I can let them get inside. There are relatively few people that I trust right away, but once I do, I am better able to be myself around them.
There is no good time, no easy way to explain my history to new people, so I tend to be quite flippant about things until I know them better, I also know that I can be quite an intense person so I try to be non-commital and a bit stand-offish initially too. Sometimes this works in my favour, sometimes not.
I'm sure (correct me if I'm wrong) that people learn how to 'give off the right signals' much earlier than this, so I feel like I'm at a bit of a disadvantage. I don't want to come off as "looking for the one" because it's not entirely true. If I meet a "one" then great, but I am determined never again to be in a position where I can't be on my own, so whilst exploring relationships and seeing where they go, throwing plenty of time at them and just enjoying the ride, I am also still working on my own personality, so that I know I *can* be by myself if I end up that way.
I meet new people who interest me, that I like, that I'd like to see more of and get to know, I try not to have preconceptions about where things will end up, it kinda spoils the enjoyment of the trip for me, but at the same time, I get to know relatively quickly whether they are the kind of people I can love, and have a chance of being in love with.
Love for me happens when the step over friendship occurs, it's nothing to do with sex, it's to do with feelings. One day I will realise that this is a person I would happily drop everything, and go to, anytime if they needed me. Someone who's happiness is more important to me than anything else, someone that I actively want to spend the rest of my life sharing with them. When that happens (whenever that happens) then I know it's Love (big-L) but it's still not IN Love.
In Love, I'm pretty sure takes time and Love, I've never been In Love because I've never been with anyone long enough for it to develop in the right circumstances. I think In Love comes when you've lived with someone for a bit, seen the best and worst of them and decided that you still want forever with them, and they feel the same. I have lived with people before, I spent 6 months living with Jason before I worked out that he was an asshole. I lived with Charlie for 4 years and I wasn't in love with him, didn't have those fluffy romantic feelings, he treated me terribly and I didn't have the wherewithall to leave.
So, nowadays I am more cautious. I need to see by their actions, and by time together whether the person feels the words they are saying. I think "I Love You" should be used sparingly, never as an apology, never as an excuse. I am looking for Love, I always will be, there's a lot of Love inside me to give, but only time will tell if it happens and how deep the rabbit hole goes.
